#i owe my ex over a thousand still and i feel like I'm gonna throw up every time i think about it.
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#i feel a lot of shit today. mostly just disgust and guilt with myself. i feel like I'm a bad person. I feel like I'm doomed to this cycle.#i use people‚ disrespect them‚ expect them to do what i ask/tell them‚ and get incredibly defensive when called out on my behaviours.#i think a lot about how i treated the people in my life. i miss them a lot but i think about how i hurt them more.#I'm not trying to beat myself up here. i just need to remember every once in a while that. i fuck up. i need to do better. i need to listen#I've learned a lot but i realised i don't really know much.#anyway.#I'm still alive. still homeless. still looking for work. still trying to pay people back.#i owe my ex over a thousand still and i feel like I'm gonna throw up every time i think about it.#he hasn't asked for it or really even messaged me since the talk after he broke up with me. but like. i owe him.#he was truly like. not a perfect man but he was a genuinely kind and patient person and he deserved better than me.#idk i just. i feel a lot of guilt. i hurt people very deeply and personally and it's not okay. i feel like I am evading punishment.#today's one of those days where I'm just grappling with despair.#if you read this whole thing. send a 🍓 emoji.
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